Wartime Memorial Day

So yesterday was Memorial Day in the US, a day for drinking beer and having barbecues. And, according to our commander-in-chief, a day for great deals on mattresses. I hope that everybody got a little tipsy, ate a little burger, and had a little fun. Not too much fun, though. It's Memorial Day, after all - a day when we pay tribute to and give thanks to the men and women who have died in battle for the sake of the good ol' US of A.

I remember learning "In Flanders Fields" in the 5th grade, I think to recite it in front of the class for a grade. At the time, it was pretty much just a bunch of words, their collective meaning a bit beyond my comprehension. If I remember correctly, and I'll try this without cutting and pasting, it goes like this:

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow between the crosses row on row that mark our place. And in the sky, the lark, still bravely singing, flies, scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the dead. Short days ago, we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, loved and were loved, and now we lie in Flanders Fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe, to you from failing hands we throw the torch. Be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die, we shall not sleep, though poppies grow in Flanders Fields.

I think that's pretty close, though I probably mixed up a preposition or two. You can grade me, if you like, here. I think it's a beautiful poem, and am proud that it still remains in my noggin after all those beers. I am especially fond of the beginning. Because about half way through, things get a little bit dark, beginning with the line "We are the dead." Go figure. And then comes the guilt aspect - the If you don't keep on killing the bad guys, our souls will never rest stuff. Thanks. No pressure there. But what happens when your loss of life is based on lies, deception and ignorance? Will you be able to sleep then?

I was listening to Amy Goodman interviewing Major General John Batiste a couple days ago on Democracy Now! in regards to his being fired by CBS for criticizing the Bush administration in a commercial for the group VoteVets.org. Here's that vid:

I very much respect Batiste's decision to leave the military and then take steps to make sure that his concerns about how the Iraq war has been mishandled by the Bush administration are made public. I particularly like when he drives home the point that "none of us should be too happy with the way our congressional and executive branch of government have been conducting themselves since 2001." A life-long republican, a military man, and a believer in the concept of war, the fact that he has gone on record saying that the war in Iraq has been and is being waged without a proper strategy should ring a few bells. Unfortunately, the stubborn bell that really needs ringing is so surrounded by "like-minded and compliant subordinates" (to borrow Batiste's words) that he'll never get the message.

Batiste mentioned in the interview that Memorial Day is not a time to debate the war in Iraq, not a time for democrats and republicans to fight. It is a time, he says, to remember the American soldiers who have died for their country. So I waited until the day after to post this. At the same time that I agree with what Batiste is saying, and understand the concept of Memorial Day, I think that it is the perfect time for people to question the war in Iraq and to demand accountability for the American and Iraqi lives that are being lost every day. Essentially, Memorial Day represents a list of dead soldiers, Americans who died fighting for something that their country believed in, our they believed in, or both. And seeing that Memorial Day list of dead soldiers continue to grow for no justifiable reason is painful.

I think occasionally about how Clinton was impeached by Congress for lying about getting a hummer from Monica Lewinsky. Acquitted in the Senate, sure, but forced to go through all that impeachment stuff nonetheless because he lied about a blow job. George W. Bush and his krazy krew have managed to get America into another Vietnam, into an onslaught that has taken the names of 3,455 men and women (to date) and added them to the Memorial Day list. I guess all of this means that lying about a blow job is a much more serious offense than indirectly causing the deaths of 3,455 men and women by misleading the American (and global) population. Proof that while oral sex may be damaging to your career, poor leadership isn't. Who knew.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * Memorial Day * beer * mattresses * burger * USA * Flanders Fields * dead * Amy Goodman * John Batiste * Democracy Now! * VoteVets.org * Iraq * impeach * Clinto * Lewinski * blow job

Bad Moose, Bad Moose, whatcha gonna do...?

Mr. Moose was back today (I am now able to say "mr." with confidence, as a hunter friend came by today to check the scene out. It is definitely a boy, he says.) Today was unique because he brought his whole family - his lovely wife was here, along with a calf. They were just eating their little hearts out, having a nice little afternoon picnic.

So we called the cops. That's right, the fuzz. That's apparently an option for the citizens of Sweden - you can call the cops on a moose. So they're going to get back to us on Monday about what they're going to do. If an arrest is made, I promise to get the footage to you, especially if there's any Rodney Kinging going on.

On a related note, people aren't really getting why we want the moose out of here. "It's so cute..." blah blah blah. I have blamed the apple trees and the garden up until now, but the real truth of the matter is that they can be mean bastards. Though it doesn't happen every day, a moose will charge if it feels threatened or scared (or if it just feels like it) and trample trample, squish squish, etc... I can do without a moose beating, thank you very much. By the way, here's an authentic Swedish recipe for Chocolate Moose:

Tags:

* comedy * humor * funny * silly * moose * sweden * swedish chef * cops * bad boys * mona lisa * mad

Man vs Moose, take two...

All right, so she's still around. I mentioned the fact that we have a moose that won't go away a couple weeks ago, and, well, she can't seem to get enough of us. Please excuse the quality of the video, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. The quality is so bad that my six-pack abs look a little squishy here...

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * moose * potato * wimp * forest * sweden * idiot * crazy

Shatner Still on Top

This feels entirely unoriginal and ridiculous, as I am probably one of 45 thousand people blogging about William Shatner today, but I can't really help it. I mean everybody's blogged about Shatner. That's so yesterday. But in my defense, it's not really me doing it. It's him. He's in control of the situation... as always. Bastard.

I mean, he's William Shatner. You don't have a conversation with someone and bring up William Shatner and they say "Wait a minute, WHICH William Shatner...?" That just doesn't happen. He's managed to carve a slice of the galaxy out for himself that is entirely his own. He's a genius of sorts... of which sort I don't rightly know, but that doesn't matter. He's all over the TV, he's all over the talk shows, he's all over YouTube. Ted R. sent me this today and I peed my pants.

I mean, wow. What a man. He says "Woo" and somebody loops it up and makes a video of it. I'm jealous. I wish that would happen to me. I've said "Woo" before. Woo. See? I said it. Make a video.

And really, has much changed between the version above and the one below? Okay, he's a little rounder and redder and hairier. But just as inadvertently creepy.

Ahhh, what a dreamboat. Honestly, I am finding it very difficult to write about him, so let's just let him speak for himself:

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * William Shatner * Rocket Man * Shatner * Conan * O'Brian * Kirk * hairy chest * woo

Jesus Fly Away Day

Forgive me father, who (maybe) art in heaven, for I am about to sin. I believe you and your peeps call it blasphemy.

Oh, blasphemy, you rough-sounding word, you poor little jumble of letters, how unfortunate that all associated with your usage is overwhelmingly negative! Oh, how stressful to feel that each utterance of your syllables shall be frowned upon and cast aside! Oh, how joyful it would be if once, just once, your name could be used in times of glee and joy and positivity, as in "Gee, that was some really nice blasphemy" or "Mmmm, is that blasphemy you're wearing?" or "Hey... a round of blasphemy on me!" Alas, no. Not-a-chance. Bad, blasphemy. Bad, bad blasphemy.

Yesterday was Kristihimmelfärdsdag here in Sweden, which roughly translates into Christ's Heaven Journey Day. Or as it is known to the English-speaking devotees, Ascension Day. I say the devotees because I, not being a Goddie, really had no idea that there was such a day, and therefore that it had an English name. And, according to this woman, "It really did happen and we do have a first hand account of what did happen in the Bible. It is in the New Testament in the book of Acts. It is real and it is true. It really did happen!!! How amazing!!!"

Please, lady.

I have forced myself to read (ish) parts of the Bible, but I guess I must have skimmed through the really important part where Jesus, who - after dying - hangs out a bit with his homies, giving them good advice and telling them (using his softest, most angelic, Vernon Wayne Howell-esque voice) to "spread the gospel." And then, after 40 days of postmortem fun, just flies on up to heaven. Whoosh. Hej då. Gets the hell out of Dodge and just takes off into the skies. Hmmm.

First of all, Kristihimmelfärdsdag is a public holiday in Sweden, which I think is hilarious, considering the fact that not exactly every single Swede knows what it is. (While 75% of Sweden's population are members of the Swedish Church, only 2% of them attend church regularly.) When you Google Kristihimmelfärdsdag, you don't get a lot of explanations about the holiday, or information about how it should be celebrated. Instead, you get a list of companies and organizations and their hours or operation... all of them are closed on the day when Jesus flew off into heaven. The Swedes (and we halvsies) love a good holiday, so Jesus Fly Away Day is as good a reason to stay at home and do nothing as any. I'll drink to that.

So, yesterday we took advantage of the holiday and did a whole lot of nothing. We started the day out by watching Pippi in the South Seas. Pippi is very strong and can walk on water, and therefore quite Jesusy. So that seemed right. And a later choice of The Aviator with Leonardo DiCaprio's portrayal of the powerful and weird Howard Hughes also seemed to fit in. I would have loved to see a film of the re-enactment of the actual flight of Jesus, but searched YouTube and only came up with a crappy video by some dark metal band. As much as I wished that they would also fly away, they are still here.

Here's the thing: it seems like there was a hell of a lot of whacky stuff that went on in that there Bible: seas parting, water turning into wine, flying Jesuses... So why don't we see that kind of stuff going on today? I mean, sure, every now and then someone sees an image of Jesus in an ultrasound or on a fish stick, but there's not a whole heck of a lot of people flying into heaven and such. And every time some guy comes forward and claims to be a prophet or the resurrection of Christ, he's made out to be a lunatic and is, more often than not, killed in a fiery blood battle with the ATF.

We (and I use the word we very loosely here) seem to be totally okay with reading about the miracles of God and Jesus in the "book," but are we willing to see that kind of stuff today...? What happens if you meet a guy who says he's Jesus and then he floats off into the sky? You start blaming it on some bad fish you ate or some acid flashback. If you're lucky enough to have your video camera rolling, you post it on YouTube, get a ton of hits, and you go on Oprah. The downside is that all the religious loonie-loos declare you a freak and go back waiting for the "real Jesus" to come back. On a fish stick.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * Jesus * God * Christianity * blasphemy * Ascension Day * heaven * Kristihimmelfärdsdag * Sweden * holiday * fish stick * Waco * David Koresh

Porter's Words Send Ducks and Wings to Playoffs

I had the pleasure of interviewing Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings and Samuel Påhlsson of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim a couple months ago for an article I wrote for www.sweden.se. At the end of each interview, I said, "Good luck in the playoffs." It turns out my words ended up guiding both players and their teams to the race for the Stanley Cup.

Little did I know that these five words would have such an impact on these players. It was as if I opened up a new world of possibilities for both of them. Just to test my new found powers, I whispered, "Good luck winning the lottery" to my wife as she headed into town yesterday. Nothing yet, but it's still early.

The two teams are battling it out in the 2007 NHL Western Conference Finals. Detroit currently leads the seven-game series by 2-1.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * hockey * Western Conference Finals * Henrik Zetterberg * Samuel Påhlsson * magic * ice * Anaheim Ducks * Detroit Red Wings

The Time 100s

Time's 100 Most Influential People in the World has hit the stands, and includes the folks seen below and then some. I must admit that I got a little tired toward the end of the list, and skipped over Eric Lie and Bernard Arnault. They are probably much more important than Angelina and Brad, but that didn't stop me from reading both of Brangelina's entries... twice.

The Alt TIME 100 was also published last week, for those of us who need to give props to Anna Nicole for dying so gracefully... and stuff. Despite the facts that they were sort of grasping at straws a bit to count to 100, and that it was apparently a Joel Stein rush job (typos and such), it made me laugh. The cast of characters who helped him to decide the Alt 100 are worthy of some sort of list of their own.

technorati tags:Time, list, 100, ALT, 100, Time, Magazine, Influential, people

Hometown Baghdad

In State of Denial, Bob Woodward claimed that Henry Kissinger meets with the Prez every other month, and with Mr. Cheney once a month. Hell, it's been years since he's had Nixon to kick around, so he's probably a bit bored and needs to tell somebody what to do. Unfortunately for the entire planet, Kissinger digs all this Iraq war crap, and has said to the head cheese that "victory ... is the only meaningful exit strategy for Iraq." That's like telling a seven-year-old that it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose. Thanks, Hank.

If you haven't taken a look at Hometown Baghdad yet, you should. It is another YouTube success, focusing on life in Baghdad right now, from the POV of some Iraqi 20-somethings in the capital city. Shot in Baghdad and edited in New York, it's a pretty interesting take on the turmoil in Iraq. I don't believe Hometown Baghdad represents all Baghdad-ians, since these guys appear to have a little more cushion financially than your average Hassan. Nonetheless, it is worth checking out a few episodes. One is embedded above, the rest you can find here.

Thankfully, we have Jon Stewart to make sense of the whole mess:

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * Iraq * Henry Kissinger * Bob Woodward * Nixon * Dick Cheney * Baghdad * State of Denial * Jon Stewart * Daily Show * Hometown Baghdad

Romney says Voters Will Accept a Moron

...err, I mean Mormon...

I read a while back that when Orrin Hatch originally entered the Presidential race for 2000, he mentioned that he was doing so to "stir things up a bit" or something like that. What he wanted to stir up was a 1999 Gallup poll that showed that 17% of registered voters would not vote for a Mormon NO MATTER WHAT.

Other than the fact that Mormons do exactly what they're told to do, stay away from the caffein and the alkeehol, (secretly) love the polygamy, claim exclusive divine authority, and send their children out in short-sleeves and ties to sell Gawd, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want a Mormon in charge of the USA. Having a leader who's not afraid to go out into the rest of the world and string along a few converts as he blindly trudges along in the name of democracy (or even better: in the name of Gawd) might be a good thing. It might even get the guy a couple terms in office.

This Mitt Romney character is convinced that the Mormonism thing won't hurt him. I am convinced that he is wrong. We seem to have a very difficult time mixing together politics and religion, so I don't want to be around when a brainwashed member of a cult gets in the oval office. Think of the first wives jokes. No, not a good plan.

Perhaps this whole misunderstanding can be sorted out over a round of nice, cold beers. Not a round of hot cocoa, Mr. Romney... beer.

Mmmmm, beer.

I'll end by saying that the USA can't have a president named Mitt. A first dog, maybe, but not the head honcho.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * Mitt Romney * Orrin Hatch * Mormons * alcohol * wives * 2008 * cult * brainwashing * Gawd

The Wild Life, Episode 1: A Date with a Moose

We've had a little visitor every evening for the past week. Okay, a big visitor. Seeing a moose in our neck of the woods is not so unusual, but the fact that this one keeps stopping by to hang out is sort of a trip. He/she (not sure if I really need to know how to sex a moose) seems to not be afraid of people, which made it much easier for me to get the nerve up to ask him/her out...

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * moose * elk * Sweden * forest * BBQ * PETA * cat * eating * Grythyttan * nature * animals * marinade

Does this turn you on?

I somehow found myself trapped in the world of free e-cards yesterday, trying to pick a cute little doozy to send to a friend for her birthday. What a mess. Everybody seems to offer them these days, much to my chagrin. Here is my favorite:

I mean, I guess she's going to eat that flower, which is sexy, right? I guess there's just nothing like saying I love you, baby... Here's a close-up of a woman wearing a lot of shiny lip gloss... and oh yeah, she's about to eat a flower. That's right baby. That's how much I love you.

And the music that comes along with it (also free of charge) is amazing. To get the whole experience you have to go here.

Oh, if I could only be so lucky and get that one in my inbox.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * e-card * sensual * lips * sexy * turn-on * flower * eat * lipstick * free